G.N.R 1
Making supplemental appropriations for rock preservation, infrastructure and investment, instrument efficiency and advances in the science of awesomeness. To provide stabilization to federal, state and local governments through the excessive use of music, lyrics, pageantry and spectacle, for the length of time that Power Balladz plays to packed houses in Minneapolis and for all other purposes as outlined in the following legislation.
Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of The United States of America in the Congress assembled. To those about to rock...We salute you!
This Act may be cited as the “American Rockovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009” – also know as ARORA. We will also refer to this Act as “A Show Called Power Balladz in 2 Acts” – also known as ASCPBI2A.
The table of contents for this Act is as follows:
Except as expressly provided otherwise, any reference to ‘‘A Show Called Power Balladz in 2 Acts” contained in any division of this Show called Power Balladz in 2 Acts shall be treated as referring only to the provisions of that division. We have no idea what that means but it sounds official.
Normally this is the section of the bill that is reserved for money: how we get it, how we spend it, and how we get more. This bill however relies solely on the spirit and the attitude of rock and roll to pull us up out of our economic woes. The appropriations and provisions of this bill are dependent on an attitude shift in the American People. Unlike the massive stimulus package, this bill relies on you and your ability to re-start and power our economy by lifting your lighters and rocking out. The following titles and provisions speak to you, and yes, we are counting on you to comply. Because if Planet of the Apes taught us anything it is that love can conquer all.
Pursuant to children truly understanding that The Wiggles do not rock. We will spend a ton of time going to schools and making sure that kids understand who Sebastian Bach is and why they should fear people like Yani. Once “the kids” are on the same page with us they will use their new found smarts to invent lots of cool things that will save our country a ton of time and money and our economy will never have another recession.
As previously mentioned, “the kids” are now smarter so older people will have more free time to get out their old tapes and listen to Cinderella while wearing their vintage Ratt t-shirts. Not only will they be happier but they will also look cooler. Other people will see how cool they look and will be like, “Hey, where can I get a t-shirt like that? And, man. Are you listening to Cinderella?”. Those other people will then go to places online or even shop locally to find things to buy that pertain to rocking out. Money will flow like Boone's Farm wine beverages.
Bombs don't kill people, but the break-up of Journey did. And you will say, “Hey, wait. Journey is still together!”. And we will say, “Even through Steve Perry is not in the group – and what kind of Journey doesn't have Steve Perry in the group?”. But we digress. Rock makes us realize that the most powerful thing in the universe is that flying scarab (a bug from Egyptian times, and beyond) smashing through planets on the cover of Journey's Escape album. We are going to develop and manufacture these planet smashing rock bugs and no one will ever mess with us ever again. We will then use these massive space bugs as interplanetary transport and send rock to other worlds. And if they don't like our rock then we will fly through the center of their planets while blasting, “Open Arms” – we like the irony in that.
Einstein liked energy and Einstein was really smart. A Show Called Power Balladz in 2 Acts uses electricity (energy) to generate more energy in the minds and souls of all who witness it. Given technological advances that this Show will create we will be able to harness the energy that is shooting out of people's souls to power our world. In order to create this energy we will need to develop more artists who are capable of creating this soul energy through singing, playing guitars, keyboards and drums. It is a little known fact that Bon Jovi was a government created experiment whose sole intent was to create at rock Kundalini Effect without any of the negative side effects. We think they succeeded. This country needs more of that.
Hot chicks in tight rock t-shirts stimulate everything. Case closed.
We aren't out to “come down on” “the kids” or be a “buzz killer”. We want “the kids” to run free and drink their energy drinks. But our streets are dirty and we aim to scrub them with guitar riffs that are so sweet that all the dirt and grime is transformed into jobs and increased property values. Even seen the streets in Heaven? Warrant has, and they look really nice.
Now let's take a moment to talk about something really serious – global warming. It is indeed getting hotter, somehow. Is rock to blame? Let's look at the facts:
But consider this:
We believe that rock creates a perfect balance of warmth and coolness to create global temperance. On a side note, one may argue that hair metal bands did contribute to global warming due to the excessive use of hairspray and the dispersal of CFCs. Hair metal bands now have sleeker modern haircuts and they use gel or some kind of paste to make their hair look cool. And if they do use hairspray they don't use aerosol cans. This was controlled by legislation passed in the early nineties when Nirvana became cooler (or hotter) than Poison.
The economy is contracting, and people are losing jobs. But with a nationwide rock stimulus many more jobs will be created than are lost. Here are some new vocations that kick ass: guitar stringer, guitar polisher, microphone management, drum stick wrangler, cymbal polisher, guitar pick collector, official friend of the bass player, David Coverdale Impersonator, scientist trying to clone a new Freddie Mercury, fog machine operator, strobe light repair and maintenance, t-shirt cannon sales, groupie, friends of groupies, President of International Fan Club for Power Balladz, Vice President of International Fan Club for Power Balladz, Inventor of International Fan Club for Power Balladz, Guy who moves the microphone stands around during shows and hand guitars to people on stage, Rockology Expert, Rock Field Researchers, Doctoral Candidate for Rock Semiotics. That is only the beginning.
There is a new law and this will become the only law: Rock unto others, as you would have them Rock onto you.
This is a tricky one. Americans will know how to rock, this we will make certain. But how can we be assured that other countries will want to rock along with us, shore up some international trade issues, international finance problems and fix economic policy restrictions? Hmm...
So we thought about it and we think we have the answer: Lita Ford is the new Secretary of State. All that other economic stuff will cease being a problem.
Everyone gets a tour bus, a full rock band package (guitars, amps, drums, sound system, lighting, etc.), professional management and a record deal. Everyone's house will have a recording studio in it and everyone will be given one day a week to rock out without any restrictions. This day will be called Fist Pumping Day.
10 out of 10 doctors agree that rock has tremendous health benefits. To name a few:
People who go to Power Balladz will become healthier. The drain on our health care system will be lessened and more intense care can be given to people who truly need it – even though many diseases will begin to vanish. Babies will be healthier because they will be born of mothers who know how to rock and everyone will be happier because of it.
We take all this good will and happiness that we have created by rocking and we capture it with now understood alien technology. We create state specific Rock Mojo Funds and disperse these feelings of fabulousness to every citizen in an organized manner. These Rock Mojo Funds are replenished by the return of good feelings from every citizen who partakes. Day upon day, in every way, rock continues to save our economy and communities. We'll let the States decide if they want to pump some Steelheart over the State sponsored high-end neighborhood loud speakers. They could play some Ozzy too, if they were in the mood. Whatever. We are cool with it.
Well not technically, it is more of a contradiction.
We have to create a giant rock antenna that sends Queen out into the depths of the galaxy to start. This will give alien cultures an ability to evolve and create rock instruments (if they haven't already done so) for when we land on their planets for a live concert. We will forward our technical rider and backstage requirements before landing so there won't be any problems. NASA is working on all of this, first they have to solve the Brian May Paradox – but they are close to understanding how he got some of those guitar tones. As previously stated, the Department of Defense has created the planet smashing rock scarabs as our main mode of intergalactic transport so we are cool there. We just have to choose who we are sending into space as our intergalactic emissaries. All of America will be asked to vote for these kick-asstronauts. Here is the ballot for consideration and voting will occur on the first Fist Pumping Day after Power Balladz opens at the Lab Theatre in scenic Minneapolis, MN on May 28th, 2009. Tickets are available at http://www.powerballadz.com. Well, you probably already knew that since you are here reading this, but we may have given this to you in a different format. Anyway, here is the ballot:
Vote for only one candidate for each individual section. If you can't understand this then please don't vote, we are in no mood for a recount.
This would be another place where we would talk about money. But we must remind you all that as previously stated – rock is going to save us all. Not sure if you are tuned into this concept yet.
The families need to be saved, because without families then we don't have any way for there to be bands comprised of family members. Important indications that this is super important to our country are: Nelson and The Brady Bunch. We preserve a family's ability to party on and pump up the volume whenever they may choose. Jobs. More importantly, the money that people make because they have jobs. We know that the new rockonomy is going to need plenty of people taking care to make sure that this country continues to drop it down hard, with a fantastic groove. What is interesting though is that through rock, and rocking every day, people won't feel like they are working anymore. They will get to the end of their pay period and be like, “Man, that was an intense, hard rockin' two weeks, and I checked my bank account cause I needed to go buy some leather for my look, and when I went into my account there was more money in there than there was two weeks ago. How does that keep happening? Well, not gonna' question a good thing. I think I will reinvest in my economy through purchasing more goods and services while looking for long term investment opportunities with solid American companies.” Medical benefits are now going to be given to every American for really cheap and there will be some way to pay for it all. We promise.
We think you would all agree it sounds a lot cooler.
Come on States! You need some relief? We are here for you - from the rocky coastal shores of Iowa to the rainforests of Arizona. Here is what you need to do to get things going again. Decide what power ballad is going to open your personal set for the day – turn up the volume and move. If you need a few bucks to tide yourself over until things start working out, then here you go. We can just keep making this money whenever we want – but just keep that between you and me.
But going to see A Show Called Power Balladz in 2 Acts is even cooler. There are many potential opportunities afforded to each and every person who attends the show. Beyond the obvious opportunity of getting to hear some kick ass music and laugh with your fellow citizens, the Pew Research Foundation has manufactured this list of other exciting opportunities:
There will be two classes of people in the new rockonomy: rockers and rocker participators. We understand that everyone might not be inclined to pick up an axe and shred. But just because you aren't assaulting everyone's ears with sweet tunes doesn't mean that you can't get paid. Executives of big companies take heed; we ain't paying for your extravagant lifestyles if you don't know how to play the opening riff to “Dead or Alive”. And who would want to work for a company where the executives didn't come down from their corner offices wearing spandex and feather boas to serenade the ladies in the secretarial pool during their doughnut breaks? No us. So let's get this straight. We can't all make millions because some of us really don't know how to run huge companies or banks or what have you. Nor would we want to. However, we don't see why Steven Tyler would do any worse a job running AIG than the dudes that were (or are) currently running that mess of a company. And Steven can screech like a banshee who lost his keys. You know where you stand with a dude like that. Plus you wouldn't call him sir, you would call him Steven, or Dude, or The Man. And your yearly performance review with him would be way cooler because you could talk about rock stuff. And let's think about the career resurrection someone like Steven Tyler has had. You think he doesn't know a thing or two about getting up to his ears in bad shit, surviving and coming out on the other end still kicking ass and making shit happen. And don't get us started on a certain executive in the making by the name of Mr. Lynard Skynard. So let's cut to the chase: You gotta' work for somebody, but that somebody better know all the words to “Home Sweet Home” and they better know that Tommy Lee can still beat the crap out of them with one drum stick tied behind his ears.
What more needs to be said about stimulating the American economy, going global and immediately going interplanetary with our rocking bad assitude? You have the power. The people are the answer. If we truly are a nation of greatness than we can do whatever it is we determine must be done to be greater. Every day, every moment…embrace rock. Let rock become your guide, your lover, your unwed mother. Let us shout to the rafters in an undying refrain: Free to rock! Free to rock! Free to rock!
Free to rock indeed. Please consider attending Power Balladz for an electrifying night out with you and 1,000 of your closest friends. We love you. And we haven't even met.